Reluctant Fathers and Where to Fit Them

I have been seriously wrestling with this one. There is so much information out there on the benefits of co-parenting and even parallel parenting. I'd give nearly anything to successfully establish either scenario for the sake of my children. None of it works when you have a reluctant other-parent.

There are so many of us out there; custodial parents who have to beg and/or coerce the other-parent into being present. The other-parents who either "never wanted to be a parent in the first place" or who "never had a chance to experience life" (whatever their reasons) that don't show up. They go for long periods of time without calling or visiting.

I think the biggest thing we wrestle with is how much do we give? How often do we stop what we are doing because something peaked the interest of the other-parent and they suddenly want to come around this weekend? How many times do we cancel plans and make arrangements only for the other-parent to cancel on our child last minute?

I think, like it or not, it is our job to be the selfless one. It's hard not to feel like a doormat. I sometimes want to shout, "It's not right! It's not fair!!!"

It's also difficult to set boundaries pragmatically. Odds are, if you are raising a child by yourself, things didn't end well with their other-parent. You can "bright-side" and "for the sake of the kids" all you want to. You had a relationship and now you don't. There are emotions involved and shoving them down deep isn't so helpful, but neither is constantly keeping them on the surface.

More than anything else in this life, I want my children to be confident. It seems nothing throws their self-worth off balance harder than their other-parent showing lukewarm interest or breaking promises. How do we allow our children to have expectations for the other-parent while also shielding them from some of the damage?

I don't have the answers (sorry), but I think, as long as I don't allow the fact that I'm going it alone make me bitter, I can achieve the end I desire most. If my sons can see me being patient but firm without the drama that we will all be okay...one day at a time.

My Circle - More on Centering

I took a job opportunity about a year and a half ago and moved. While I was choosing where I wanted to live (relative to my new job) I carefully considered my busy lifestyle. I could choose a place in the "big city" close to all of my favorite restaurants and stores or I could choose something closer to work. I also had to consider local schools.

I was very fortunate to find a home that I could not only afford, but was within 3 miles of work, good schools, and the daycare I had already chosen. 

At first it just seemed convenient and like it would save on time and gas, making it a good decision. I wasn't prepared for how it would alter the flow of my life. I didn't realize how much of my time was being spent on a morning/evening commute. 

To say that I've just cleared up a few minutes time, trivializes the impact this has had. When one of my children gets sick, I can get to them in no time at all. I can commit to school-things and invest myself where, in the past, this would have required a day off work. 

I've since added the gym (which I've mentioned) into my 3 mile triangle making it more of a circle. I'm only able to add in my fitness goals because I have freed myself from the job of making a commute to work. If I had to drive an additional 20-30 minutes to get home, we'd be getting on with our dinner/bedtime routine just that much later...making the toddler grumpy and cycling into chaos in the evening. 

We do have to drive further to get the non-everyday things we need like clothes or whole food items I can't get from the local grocer. The trade off is that this makes me more careful about my spending. "Is it worth driving to the other side of town to get?" We also usually make an adventure of it and save it for the weekends. 

Centering Myself

I've mentioned that I have removed as many trivial day to day decisions from my life as possible.

I don't think about when I can get to the gym or how long I'll be there. I follow the group fitness schedule that fits my lifestyle. I also almost never miss a class. I'm still working towards my fitness goals, but have eliminated the decision making needed to get it done (which alone I find exhausting). Group fitness also helps keep me going because I enjoy seeing the same people for each class.

I eat the same thing for breakfast every morning. This might feel boring for some, but I've found it so freeing! The 2-3 minutes it takes to decide what I'm going to eat (and take out everything I need to make it) only add to the stress of the other billion decisions I have to make each morning. I wish I had the same magic solution for lunch and dinner!

I've mentioned that my work wardrobe has been minimalized. I have 3 dresses, 3 slacks, and about 6 or 8 blouses all within the same color palette (shoes and accessories too). When I found that this helped make laundry day SO much easier, I did the same with workout and casual wear. I got rid of anything that I would only wear for particular moods (goodbye fat pants!!!). If it didn't flatter or match anything else in my closet, it was out of my life.

I guess I've taken a minimalistic approach to life in general. I'm centering myself to better handle everything else that overwhelms me. I don't find myself bored...in fact it's quite the opposite. I look forward to my mornings and evenings. They are soothing even in the chaos.

Mindfully Mom

With my older children I was an authoritarian "children are an empty vessel" type of parent and thought that it was my job to fill them with knowledge. I was easily aggravated by their childishness and didn't really take time to know them. I was too busy telling them to, "do as I say." I was also considerably younger and less patient overall.

I still work on patience through my toddlers tantrums. Most often, our time together is limited to a few hours in the evening when I'm trying to rush through dinner and transition us to bedtime. Making this time the most peaceful by removing as many decisions from the evening as possible helps. 

Dinner tends to be the most frustrating. If I haven't planned/prepped something quick, things fall apart fast. He gets hungry and cranky, his crying and yelling makes me cranky and full-on hysteria will ensue. I've tried Hello Fresh and it was fantastic! However, it was not financially sustainable for our family budget. I'm working on a plan to designate some prep time on the weekends to give myself a similar set up with meals prepped and ready to grab from the fridge. 

Once we get past dinnertime, things usually smooth out. We flow into clean-up, hygiene, and bedtime stories together. 

Routine seems to be key for both of us. We both are happier when we do the same thing at the same time everyday. Our morning ritual is easiest since neither of us is usually hungry or cranky. I have our wardrobe down to easily interchangeable basics. 

Staying organized to make the simple day to day decisions easy, opens me up to more fluid mindfulness of the other bigger more meaningful events of our day. I stop and connect with my toddler and see what is important to him in the moment instead of reacting to his demands and frustrations with my own.