Unrest and Out of My Control

I have accepted the position offered to me in another state. The next few weeks I'll be preparing to move. There are circumstances surrounding this move that feel very unstable to me.

In part, my feelings of overwhelming unease are because of the young ones who depend on me to provide their most basic needs. Also, these circumstances are beyond my control. I can't change them from tipping in one direction or another.

The best I can do is have a back-up plan. To prepare for the worst. A friend of mine would argue that I am a fatalist...and maybe I am. I have seen the shoe drop. I know what it's like to be hungry and not have a home for my children...

At this point in my life, I realize that change is going to happen. I was never going to stay where I am permanently. I'm afraid of making the wrong decision and paying dearly for it. I have chosen to roll the dice and play the game. I'm hoping I can trust the people I am counting on. The end result could mean a big step up for us overall. I am just as excited as I am terrified.

New Year Possiblitlities

I don't set "New Year Resolutions." I do have goals though, and there is something about hanging a brand new (completely empty) calendar that inspires a moment of reflection.

What will I fill this calendar with? I'll start with birthdays that I want to remember (staff and coworkers mostly). I'll add in special days for my boys. We will join a water park again this year, I'm looking forward to a summer of outdoor adventures together. We'll do great things for their birthdays, (we have a sweet 16th coming up!)

I've come to a fork in the road with my career. Will I relocate, again? Or maybe return to school this year? I need to decide very soon...

What needs to happen to position myself better financially for my boys this year? I'll continue working on being debt free; whittling down my bills each month. I'd like to increase my savings and have been very self controlled in my expenses.

I've been working very hard towards fitness goals, I will definitely keep my calendar full of group classes and weight lifting. I'm so close to reaching my ideal size/form...will I get there by summer?

I think more importantly, as I look at this blank calendar and think of all the possibilities, I am charged with the thought that I have to DO THINGS! It's not enough to write them down on these pages. When I get to the end of this year, I will have had to press forward even when it wasn't easy.

I'm scared to death but so excited I can hardly stand it. I don't imagine I'll get through the year without some kind of setback or loss, I'm a realist. But I do believe this year is going to be amazing for me. I feel uncharacteristically optimistic. I am tapping into some great achievements for myself and I can't wait to see where they lead.

The Holidays

Being alone on the holidays is as challenging as anything else, but I dug in and tried to make the best of things. Last year, I was able to skip out with my children and spend the time in the home of our friends. This year I chose to celebrate in my own home with just my boys.

I did have to work early Christmas Morning, but I was able to bring them with me for those few hours. My teen will never admit it, but he was glad to be close to me. I could tell because he didn't complain, roll his eyes, or heft big deep dramatic sighs at any time that morning.

We came home and opened a few presents together. I enjoyed opening them one at a time..slowly. Rather than the melee of the past when we've always just opened them all at once. As soon as my teen felt he sufficiently hit gold (new phone) he took off for a friend's house. Which left me and the toddler for the rest of the afternoon together.

The toddler was having his best day ever. He had mom all to himself and what, to him, seemed like a lot of candy. Being two, he never knew so many presents could be just for him! Each one was a surprise. We spent the rest of the day watching movies and playing with our new toys.

I did find our day to be greatly satisfying, even if a little lonely. We celebrated stability this holiday. A home of our own with presents that we could afford. I have made my way out of financial distress. I'm still paying off some medical debt and the car loan, but am otherwise financially free. This was my gift to myself for the end of 2017 and it came with a lot of hard work and self control. My greatest achievement to date.

I spent the day reflecting on what traditions I want to start going forward with my boys. My teen won't have many holidays at home before he's off doing man stuff on his own. We didn't overdo the presents, which was definitely noteworthy in considering next year's purchases. Being an atheist, we didn't delve into any overly religious practices. But I hope I did facilitate the holiday spirit of wonder and joy for the boys.

Notes to myself for next year:

The toddler will be three (a preschooler!!!). Celebrate lights; go for a drive! Take hot cocoa! And just enjoy the lights! He was aware of them this year and called them "pretties", next year will be even more amazing. Also, put up lights outside together!

Help him "give" gifts next year! I would like to see him give more gifts than he receives. I would like to bake for the neighbors, I used to deliver cinnamon rolls on Christmas morning. Maybe we can do that together next year. He should see generosity of spirit exemplified.

Keep it simple. Don't overdo it. This year was quiet and lovely.

Reluctant Fathers and Where to Fit Them

I have been seriously wrestling with this one. There is so much information out there on the benefits of co-parenting and even parallel parenting. I'd give nearly anything to successfully establish either scenario for the sake of my children. None of it works when you have a reluctant other-parent.

There are so many of us out there; custodial parents who have to beg and/or coerce the other-parent into being present. The other-parents who either "never wanted to be a parent in the first place" or who "never had a chance to experience life" (whatever their reasons) that don't show up. They go for long periods of time without calling or visiting.

I think the biggest thing we wrestle with is how much do we give? How often do we stop what we are doing because something peaked the interest of the other-parent and they suddenly want to come around this weekend? How many times do we cancel plans and make arrangements only for the other-parent to cancel on our child last minute?

I think, like it or not, it is our job to be the selfless one. It's hard not to feel like a doormat. I sometimes want to shout, "It's not right! It's not fair!!!"

It's also difficult to set boundaries pragmatically. Odds are, if you are raising a child by yourself, things didn't end well with their other-parent. You can "bright-side" and "for the sake of the kids" all you want to. You had a relationship and now you don't. There are emotions involved and shoving them down deep isn't so helpful, but neither is constantly keeping them on the surface.

More than anything else in this life, I want my children to be confident. It seems nothing throws their self-worth off balance harder than their other-parent showing lukewarm interest or breaking promises. How do we allow our children to have expectations for the other-parent while also shielding them from some of the damage?

I don't have the answers (sorry), but I think, as long as I don't allow the fact that I'm going it alone make me bitter, I can achieve the end I desire most. If my sons can see me being patient but firm without the drama that we will all be okay...one day at a time.

My Circle - More on Centering

I took a job opportunity about a year and a half ago and moved. While I was choosing where I wanted to live (relative to my new job) I carefully considered my busy lifestyle. I could choose a place in the "big city" close to all of my favorite restaurants and stores or I could choose something closer to work. I also had to consider local schools.

I was very fortunate to find a home that I could not only afford, but was within 3 miles of work, good schools, and the daycare I had already chosen. 

At first it just seemed convenient and like it would save on time and gas, making it a good decision. I wasn't prepared for how it would alter the flow of my life. I didn't realize how much of my time was being spent on a morning/evening commute. 

To say that I've just cleared up a few minutes time, trivializes the impact this has had. When one of my children gets sick, I can get to them in no time at all. I can commit to school-things and invest myself where, in the past, this would have required a day off work. 

I've since added the gym (which I've mentioned) into my 3 mile triangle making it more of a circle. I'm only able to add in my fitness goals because I have freed myself from the job of making a commute to work. If I had to drive an additional 20-30 minutes to get home, we'd be getting on with our dinner/bedtime routine just that much later...making the toddler grumpy and cycling into chaos in the evening. 

We do have to drive further to get the non-everyday things we need like clothes or whole food items I can't get from the local grocer. The trade off is that this makes me more careful about my spending. "Is it worth driving to the other side of town to get?" We also usually make an adventure of it and save it for the weekends. 

Centering Myself

I've mentioned that I have removed as many trivial day to day decisions from my life as possible.

I don't think about when I can get to the gym or how long I'll be there. I follow the group fitness schedule that fits my lifestyle. I also almost never miss a class. I'm still working towards my fitness goals, but have eliminated the decision making needed to get it done (which alone I find exhausting). Group fitness also helps keep me going because I enjoy seeing the same people for each class.

I eat the same thing for breakfast every morning. This might feel boring for some, but I've found it so freeing! The 2-3 minutes it takes to decide what I'm going to eat (and take out everything I need to make it) only add to the stress of the other billion decisions I have to make each morning. I wish I had the same magic solution for lunch and dinner!

I've mentioned that my work wardrobe has been minimalized. I have 3 dresses, 3 slacks, and about 6 or 8 blouses all within the same color palette (shoes and accessories too). When I found that this helped make laundry day SO much easier, I did the same with workout and casual wear. I got rid of anything that I would only wear for particular moods (goodbye fat pants!!!). If it didn't flatter or match anything else in my closet, it was out of my life.

I guess I've taken a minimalistic approach to life in general. I'm centering myself to better handle everything else that overwhelms me. I don't find myself bored...in fact it's quite the opposite. I look forward to my mornings and evenings. They are soothing even in the chaos.

Mindfully Mom

With my older children I was an authoritarian "children are an empty vessel" type of parent and thought that it was my job to fill them with knowledge. I was easily aggravated by their childishness and didn't really take time to know them. I was too busy telling them to, "do as I say." I was also considerably younger and less patient overall.

I still work on patience through my toddlers tantrums. Most often, our time together is limited to a few hours in the evening when I'm trying to rush through dinner and transition us to bedtime. Making this time the most peaceful by removing as many decisions from the evening as possible helps. 

Dinner tends to be the most frustrating. If I haven't planned/prepped something quick, things fall apart fast. He gets hungry and cranky, his crying and yelling makes me cranky and full-on hysteria will ensue. I've tried Hello Fresh and it was fantastic! However, it was not financially sustainable for our family budget. I'm working on a plan to designate some prep time on the weekends to give myself a similar set up with meals prepped and ready to grab from the fridge. 

Once we get past dinnertime, things usually smooth out. We flow into clean-up, hygiene, and bedtime stories together. 

Routine seems to be key for both of us. We both are happier when we do the same thing at the same time everyday. Our morning ritual is easiest since neither of us is usually hungry or cranky. I have our wardrobe down to easily interchangeable basics. 

Staying organized to make the simple day to day decisions easy, opens me up to more fluid mindfulness of the other bigger more meaningful events of our day. I stop and connect with my toddler and see what is important to him in the moment instead of reacting to his demands and frustrations with my own.